


It's Been Eight Years

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor and Zoe getting along, Connor for the most part, Connor is a writer, Connor making mature choices but executing them poorly, Evan is successful, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Zoe is a good sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-17 06:12:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11845608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: Connor hasn't seen Evan Hansen since he broken up with him a month after they graduated high school. Eight years later, he doesn't think their paths will ever cross again. But when "circumstances" throw them together, he takes his chance to clear some things up.He knows it's selfish to want anything more than that. Evan will always deserve so much more than him. But even though it's been eight years, and Connor's feelings haven't changed.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor hadn’t seen Evan Hansen since he’d broken up with him a month after they graduated high school. It wasn’t a memory Connor tried to call back, meaning he did spend a lot more of his time thinking about it than he should. He knew he’d handled the situation poorly, but over all knew he’d done the right thing. None of it mattered anymore, after all, Connor had graduated high school eight years ago. 

He’d made his peace with knowing he was never going to see Evan Hansen again. It was pretty much impossible for them to run into each other by chance, and Connor had lost contact with anyone who knew Evan.

So when Connor’s eyes fell on a familiar face as he attempted to navigate through a crowded room, he was shocked to say the least. Surprised turned to irritation very quickly. 

Connor wasn’t a party person. The only reason he was here, was because Zoe had explained that she needed to bring someone and only her coworkers and whomever they brought with them would be attending. It didn’t take long for him to figure out why his high school boyfriend was currently trying to blend into the bar.

“You didn’t tell me you worked with Jared Kleinman,” Connor hissed at Zoe. 

“This that a problem?” she asked innocently. “Didn’t you guys get along by the end of high school?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he wasn’t going to dance around the subject. 

“You’re right,” she glanced in Evan’s direction. “I didn’t tell you, because I knew you wouldn’t come if I did.”

“Great,” Connor rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m leaving now.”

“No,” she whined, grabbing hold of his arm. “Come on, if you go I won’t have a ride back.”

“Like we don’t both know you’ll end up at Alana’s,” Connor scoffed. 

“I’m sorry,” she sounded like she meant this. “I would have told you but—”

“But?”

“We thought that maybe you two could talk,” she shrugged. “Catch up, you know?”

“We?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Me, Alana, and Jared,” she said quickly. 

“Fucking hell,” he groaned. 

“It’s been eight years, Con.” She said as if he needed a reminder. “You’re both mature enough for it not to be weird.”

“It’s already weird,” he muttered, but took a step in Evan’s direction anyway.

* * *

_“I don’t understand,” Evan is stammering. There are tears in his eyes. Connor knew he’d react like this, but that doesn’t lessen the sting._

_“I said,” Connor can hear his voice wavering. So much for being strong. “I’m done.”_

_He tries to leave, but then Evan’s grabbing his arm._

_“Connor, wait,” he is crying now. He looks so shocked, even through all the self doubt he never thought Connor would do this to him. “We can talk about this—”_

_“No, we fucking can’t,” Connor snaps. Evan flinches, and Connor’s reminded why this is the right choice. “I’m sorry, I need to go.”_

_“I love you,” Evan says it like a plea._

_“I’m sorry, Ev.”_

* * *

“Hey,” Connor said as he fell into the seat next to Evan’s. It was an open bar, but Evan didn’t have a drink in front of him. Connor knew he’d seem him walking through the crowd, but he still looked surprised when Connor stopped here.

“Connor. I.” Evan stammered. “Hello, um, how are you?”

“Wow, you haven’t changed.” Connor chuckled, but immediately regretted it when he saw the look on Evan’s face. This was a bad idea. He really didn’t have the right to bother this guy.

“I’ve changed a lot actually,” Evan murmured. “Sorry that was—”

“Rude of me, not you.” Connor said firmly. 

Evan let out a nervous laugh.

“You gonna drink anything or just sit here?” Connor wondered. 

“I’m driving so, bad idea,” Evan told him. “I’m kinda just waiting for Jared to get bored so we can go home.”

“Oh.” It took a second for Connor to process this. Why the fuck did it make something inside him sink? “Are you two—”

“Roommates,” Evan answered before Connor could finish. “Well, he’s crashing on my couch because his ex kinda kicked him out. I shouldn’t have told you that.”

Evan laughed again. Connor felt a smile form on his face. 

“You look good,” he couldn’t help saying. It was true. Despite the nerves and stuttering, Evan seemed calmer. There was a confidence about him that Connor wasn’t used to. It made him happy, he’d always worried that the demons Evan faced everyday of high school would never really leave him alone. 

“Thanks,” Evan smiled at him. “You look different.” 

“Really?” Connor raised an eyebrow. 

“Healthier,” Evan elaborated. “If that makes any sense.” 

“It does,” Connor assured him. He felt an awkward silent settle between them. “If you want me to go—”

“No,” Evan shook his head. “I don’t.”

But Connor couldn’t take this. He’d didn’t know what was going on inside Evan’s head, and he didn’t know if Evan was only tolerating him because he didn’t want to be rude. 

“It’s been a long time,” Connor sighed. “But you have every right to still hate me.” 

“I never hated you,” Evan said softly. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” Evan shook his head. “We wanted different things. Like you said, it was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter now.” 

“Right,” Connor nodded. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Good,” Evan stated. “Great, actually.” 

“That’s good, I’m happy for you,” Connor couldn’t convey how much he meant this. “So do you work with Zoe and Jared too or…?”

“No, I, um,” Evan swallowed. “I didn’t know that you and Zoe lived in town.” 

“Yeah,” Connor’s teeth gritted. “I think they kept that quiet on purpose.” 

Evan seemed to understand. Connor wondered if he had questioned Jared the second he’d noticed Connor at the party. 

“I own the orchard not far from here,” Evan changed the subject. “I don’t know if you’ve been there but—”

“I haven’t,” Connor admitted. He’d been avoiding places like that for eight years. “But I’ve been meaning to.” 

“The trees are nice this season,” Evan commented. 

“I bet,” Connor grinned. “You own it? Jesus Christ. You got successful.” 

“I guess,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. Connor noticed the blush on his cheeks. “What have you been doing?”

“Eh, you know,” Connor shrugged. “Writing, trying to write.” 

“I don’t thin it’s trying if you’re on a best seller list,” Evan blurted. 

“Why did you ask if you knew that?” Connor questioned. 

“I’m sorry,” Evan’s eyes were wide. “I didn’t mean—”

“Calm down, Hansen,” Connor didn’t mean to put his hand on Evan’s shoulder. Who knew his reactions would still be instinctual even now. “You haven’t read my shit, have you?”

“A little,” Evan said in a small voice. 

“Oh God,” Connor groaned. Why the fuck had he let Zoe drag him to this goddamn party? 

“I didn’t think I’d seen you again,” Evan stammered.

“This is so embarrassing,” Connor leaned back in his chair, resisting the urge to put his head in his hands. 

“You’re really good,” Evan told him. “You’ve always been really good.” 

“Thanks,” Connor knew that Evan wasn’t just saying this. He’d always believed in Connor.  “I hate places like this.” 

“Yeah,” Evan glanced at the people around them. Connor noticed the way his fingers unconsciously twisted the hem of his shirt. Old habits die hard. 

“I’ll tell Alana to make sure Zoe and Jared get home in one piece,” Connor decided. “You wanna grab dinner or something?”

“Dinner.” Evan’s eyes were wide again. “As in—”

“Not a date!” Connor said too quickly. “Fuck, sorry, I’m shit at this, as usual. I thought we could keep talking? In a place that’s not noisy and full of drunk business men.” 

“Okay,” Evan stood up from his chair. “I’d like that.” 

“Great.”

* * *

_“I get that you don’t want to see me, but can I at least know that you’re okay?” Evan shifts his weight from foot to foot. He’s standing on Connor’s doorstep. Connor told Zoe not to let him in._

_“I’m fine,” Connor can hear how curt his voice is._

_“You don’t look fine,” Evan tells him._

_“That’s why you need to stay the fuck away from me.” With that Connor closes the door, part of him knowing Evan is going to take that the wrong way._

* * *

“Your hair is the same,” Evan commented as they slid into a table at the diner.

“I like it this length,” Connor shrugged.

“It suits you,” Evan told him. 

“Okay,” Connor can feel the lightness slipping into his tone. He wanted to keep it there—to laugh instead of saying anything serious. But seeing Evan again has let regrets surface that he knew he needed to voice. “I’m kinda glad I ran into you.” 

“Yeah?” Evan hummed. 

“I know, it was eight years ago, and you probably don’t even think about it any more,” Connor started. “But can I clear some things up?”

“You really don’t have to,” Evan told him.

“I want to,” he said firmly. “If you’re alright with listening to me, I mean.” 

“I am.” The smile wasn’t there anymore.

“When I left it was because I had a lot going on,” Connor said. 

“I know.”

“I mean,” he closed his eyes. After eight years he still didn’t know how to say this. “Evan, I was really close to just ending everything.”

“Connor,” Evan’s eyes were worried. After everything, they were still worried for him. 

“And I know I was hurting you,” Connor continued. 

“No,” Evan shook his head. “You weren’t.”

“I was clingy and irritated all the fucking time,” Connor reminded him. He could still remember how emotionally drained Evan looked every time they were together. 

“You were sick,” Evan murmured. 

“Exactly,” Connor said. “I just, I didn’t explain it well, but I didn’t dump you because I didn’t love you anymore. I just, I thought you could do better, and I knew I had to be better.”

“It’s okay,” Evan said softly.

“After I left, I let my mom check me into a hospital,” Connor had always wanted to tell Evan this. To prove to him that it hand’t all been for nothing, that he’d made an effort to get better. “It sucked a lot, but in the long run it really did help.” 

“Yeah?” Evan was smiling through sad eyes. 

“I’m clean now,” Connor added.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he let himself take pride in that. “For the past five years.”

“You look happier,” Evan told him. 

“I am.” 

“Good,” Evan looked relieved. Connor didn’t understand why.

“I know you probably don’t care anymore,” Connor started. “But I want you to know it wasn’t you.” 

“Thank you,” Evan didn’t meet his eyes. 

“Let’s talk about something else,” Connor decided.

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “How’s Zoe?”

They spent the next hour talking about family, college, what they did after college, and every radon thing either of them could think of. Connor ordered fries and a milkshake (ignoring the obviously annoyed “that’s all” from their waitress), while Evan said he wasn’t hungry but still ate at least half of the fries. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Evan asked, then seemed to catch himself “I’m sorry, that’s a weird question, I didn’t mean to—”

“No,” Connor answered. “You?”

“Not right now,” Evan said sheepishly. “Not for a while. I was seeing this guy last year, but…”

“Didn’t work out?” Connor was going to try very hard not to pry. 

“We didn’t have a lot in common,” Evan shrugged. 

“That sucks,” Connor stated. 

“He wasn’t that nice, anyway,” Evan added, his voice not quiet reaching a light tone. 

“What does that mean?” Connor couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

“Nothing, just,” Evan grimaced. “Okay, it wasn’t really healthy. Jared noticed and said that if I didn’t leave him, he’d, um, murder both of us.” 

“That sounds like Jared,” Connor ignored the anger he felt in the pit of his stomach. Evan wasn’t in his life anymore. He wasn’t allowed to be upset about this. 

“Yeah,” Evan laughed nervously. 

“I’d murder you both too,” Connor told him. 

“Of course,” Evan was smiling again. 

“You deserve someone great,” Connor said, hoping that Evan could hear everything behind that.

“Thanks,” Evan blushed. “But relationships are hard.”

“Tell me about it,” Connor remarked .

Evan laughed. This time it sounded genuine.

“The last guy I slept with tried to steal my cologne,” Connor shared.

“What?” Evan nearly choked. 

“It was so weird,” Connor shook his head. 

“I can imagine,” he was laughing again. 

It was weird how easy it was to slip back into laughing together. Connor continued to tell the odd stories he’d collected through his string of one night stands, while Evan recounted funny situations he’d landed himself in through his job. It felt so normal, Connor almost couldn’t believe it. 

“It’s getting kinda late,” Evan noticed once they had finished the food. 

“I can drive you to your place,” Connor offered. Evan had mentioned him and Jared had driven to the party together, and left Jared’s car there.

“I could take a cab,” Evan brushed off. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I want to,” Connor told him. “Plus, if I don’t see you walk into your apartment I will spend the rest of the night worrying that you didn’t get back safe.” 

“That’s nice,” Evan said.

“It’s not,” Connor faked a grave voice. “You’d be causing a major headache.” 

“Then, I guess, I have no choice,” Evan laughed. 

“Pretty much, Hansen,” Connor grinned. 

Connor put the radio on once he started the car. He never liked to drive in silence, whether or not he had someone in the car with him. 

“You still listen to this stuff?” Evan asked, apparently recognizing the song. 

“Are you about to insult my favorite band?” Connor asked back. 

“No,” Evan said “They’re good."

“Come on, you hate them.” Connor remembered them jokingly arguing all the time about this back in high school. 

“I used to hate them,” Evan corrected. “I don’t anymore.” 

“Seriously?” Connor gave him a skeptical look.

“I listened to their stuff a bit after you left,” Evan told him sheepishly.

“Oh,” Connor nodded. 

“It helped,” Evan added softly. 

“That’s good.” Connor didn’t know what else to say. He imagined Evan clinging onto everything Connor left behind, desperately trying to figure out what went wrong. Connor didn’t deserve getting to talk to Evan now, and he really hadn’t deserved him back then. 

“Can you turn it up?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded, pulling himself out of his thoughts. “Definitely.” 

They didn’t talk much for the rest of the ride, aside from Evan directing Connor where to go. Once they reached the apartment building, Connor was impressed to say the least. When he’d commented on Evan being successful, it seemed he really hadn’t known the half of it. 

“This place is nice,” Connor said aloud. “No wonder Kleinman’s taking advantage of your couch.” 

Evan laughed. 

“I had a nice night,” he didn’t sound like he was just being polite. 

“Again all odds, I did too,” Connor admitted. 

“I still have the same email address,” Evan stammered. “I don’t know if you'd want to stay in touch but—”

“I’ll send you an email,” Connor assured him. 

“Great,” Evan opened the car door. “Goodnight, Connor.” 

“Night, Ev.”

* * *

_Connor isn’t used to people approaching him at school. On the rare occasion that someone actually tries to talk to him, it’s usually an asshole who thinks that it’s funny to give him a hard time. That’s why he’s surprised when the shy kid from his English class awkwardly taps his arm._

_“Hi, I’m Evan,” the boy stammers._

_“I know who you are,” Connor tells him. “You’re friend’s with my sister, right?”_

_“Kinda,” Evan sputters.”I mean, yeah. Yes, I am.”_

_“No offense,” Connor knows that the question isn’t going to come out any less harsh. “But why are you talking to me?”_

_“Sorry!” The boy blurts. “I just. You, um, you dropped this in the hallway, and I…Well, here.”_

_The next thing Connor knows, Evan shoving a book into his hands. It takes a second for Connor to realize the book is in fact his. It must have fallen out of his bag._

_“Thanks.” Is all Connor can say._

_“I need to go to class, bye!” Evan bolts away from him faster than Connor realized was possible._

_Connor can’t help watching him go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...I don't know why I wrote this...


	2. Chapter 2

“That wasn’t fair,” Connor was not surprised that Zoe beat him home. 

“Have a nice date?” She asked, grinning from her flopped position on their couch. 

“It wasn’t a date,” he muttered. “We just went somewhere we could talk.”

“About?” she drew out the word.

“Life,” he stated blandly.

“So, when are you going to see him again?” She asked.

“No idea,” Connor dropped onto the couch next to her. “Possibly never. He gave me an email address, that’s hardly an invitation.” 

“For Evan Hansen it kinda is,” she pointed out. 

“I broke his heart, Zoe.” He hadn’t thought that this would make itself so present, but Connor could see it in Evan’s eyes every time the brought up the past. 

“Eight years ago because you knew that you needed help and didn’t want to drag him into all that,” Zoe said. 

“He’s moved on,” Connor shook his head. “So have I.” 

“Really?” She deadpanned.

“Yeah,” he crossed his arms. 

“Right,” she started sarcastically. “That’s why every single romantic interest you write is a variation of him.” 

“Apparently he's read some of it,” Connor groaned. “God, I'm such an idiot.” 

“You like him,” Zoie nudged his shoulder. “I remember what you guys were like when you were together. It just made sense.”

“I don’t still like him,” Connor stated. “He’s just the only guy I’ve ever loved, and it’s easier to base characters on real people.”

He wanted to believe this. He wanted seeing Evan again to be nice, but not to light a spark inside of him. He wanted to will away the jealousy he’d felt when Evan mentioned a passed relationship. Connor was supposed to be mature now. Going after Evan again was probably the worst thing he could do to the guy.

“What about Ryan?” Zoe asked. “You dated him for, what? Three years?”

“You hated Ryan,” Connor remembered.

“Still do,” she had no problem admitting. “But you seemed infatuated for a bit of it.” 

“It was mainly physical,” Connor informed her. 

“Ew.” 

“Okay, fine,” Connor sighed. “It’s only Evan, it’s only ever been Evan, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go chase him.”

“Why not?” Zoe asked. 

“Because I fucking broke his heart,” Connor stressed. “I’m not hurting him again.” 

Zoe looked like she wanted to say more, but instead she just shook her head. 

“You’re a good guy, you know?” She smiled at him. He was pretty sure this was the face she made when she was proud.

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighed.

* * *

_“You can calm down, you know.” Connor can hear Evan’s uneven breathing from his seat across from him. He should have known this was too good to be true._

_“I’m sorry!” Evan flinches._

_“Don’t apologize.” Connor sighs. “Look, if you changed your mind—”_

_“I didn’t!” Evan blurts. “I just, I’m sorry, I keep thinking I’m going to mess this up, or you don’t really want to be here, or—”_

_“I asked you out, remember?” Connor can feel a smile creeping onto his lips._

_“Yeah,” Evan nods._

_“Relax, okay?” Connor reaches for his hand over the table. “It’s just me.”_

_“Okay.” When Evan’s fingers meet his he smiles back._

* * *

For someone who spent all of their time writing, Connor thought that maybe he’d be a little bit better and figuring out what to say. He sat at his kitchen table with his computer in front of him. Zoe had left for work hours ago, and wouldn’t be back until late afternoon. His eyes stared at Evan’s email address, no idea how to start. 

_Ev,_

He typed the nickname, and immediately deleted it. It would be weird to use it now. He didn't want to sound like he was assuming they were friends again, despite talking the night before. Evan might have just needed that night for closure. It would be wrong of Connor to push for anything more.

_Evan,_

_It’s Connor. Which you can tell from the email address_

Was there anyway to make this not sound awkward and uncomfortable?

_Hey,_

That was _too_ comfortable. 

He used to write these all the time. Back when he and Evan first started hanging out it was their main form or communication. Connor knew his texts were monitored by his parents, and Evan didn’t like phone calls. So instead they acted like they were pen pals. It was a little over formal, but Connor didn’t mind. He knew Evan put a lot of thought into each email and tried to do the same. 

Sighing, Connor reverted back to the words he used to use to start each email. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

Typing that felt natural. Connor wasn’t sure that was a good thing. 

_I can’t believe you still used this account. It’s nostalgic._

To say the least. Connor didn’t know anyone who kept the same email they used back in high school. Then again, Connor was fairly certain the only people Evan ever contacted on it was him. 

_I’m really glad we got to talk last night. I miss talking to you_

He quickly deleted that last sentence. That implied too much. 

_It’s nice to see you’re doing well, and kinda weird we’ve been living so close to each other for the past few months and only crossed paths now._

For a little bit he would ignore that he was certain Zoe and Jared Kleinman had meticulously planned for them to run into each other the night before. Right now he’d just pretend it was fate or something stupid like that. 

_I didn’t ask you last night, but you mentioned something about reading some of my shit, and I was wondering which book you meant? Promise I’m not trying to stroke my ego. I just want to know how embarrassed I should be._

_Anyway, if you want to hang out, let me know. Not we have to, I get it if you’d prefer to see me less. I know I would if I were you_

He deleted the last sentence. He was trying to show that he was better, and better Connor didn’t say things that looked like a plea for sympathy. 

_Take care of yourself, I mean it._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

Connor didn’t expect to hear back from Evan for a while. He knew Evan was probably at work right now, and even if he wasn’t, he shouldn’t feel pressured to say something back right away. That was why Connor was surprised when his computer informed him he’d just received an email not an hour later. 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_It’s my back up email, but I thought it would be easier since you’re the only one who’d be contacting me this way. Honestly, I kinda panicked when you pulled up in front of my apartment building, this was the first thing I could think of. If you’re rather just text me of something my number is 478-6801._

_Of course I want to see you again! It’s kinda funny how easy it is to talk to you even after all this time._

_I ran into Zoe today, she mentioned that you don’t get out of the house much because of the writing. I thought maybe you might want to come to the orchard this Sunday? We’re closed on Sundays, so we’d have the place you ourselves. You could bring your writing or a book if you don’t wanna talk the whole time._

_Thanks for the email, it means a lot._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

Connor plugged the number into his phone. Before he could think better on it, he sent a quick: _Hey_

_Who is this?_

Connor knew he probably should have said his name, but who else would Evan expect to text him a few minutes after sending that email?

_Wow, how many people do you give your number to on a daily basis, Hansen?_

_Hi Connor,_ Evan didn’t miss a beat. 

_Hi,_ Connor replied. _Sunday sounds good_

_Great!_

Evan sent a series of happy emoji’s before adding: _I can pick you up if you send me your address_

_Sure, see you then_

Connor couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

* * *

_“Are you okay?” Connor stands outside of the bathroom stall he’d just seen Evan dart into._

_“Yeah, I’m, um, I’m fine,” Evan’s voice is shaking as he speaks. “Thanks Connor. You, er, you don’t have to be here, I—”_

_“Evan, I can hear you crying,” Connor tells him softly._

_“It’s nothing,” Evan mumbles._

_“What happened?” Connor tries._

_“Please don’t,” Evan’s words are cut off by a sob._

_“Did someone do something to you?” Connor can feel his blood boiling at just the idea._

_“No one did anything, I just, I don’t feel good,” Evan rambles._

_“You want me to take you home?” Connor asks him._

_For a second Evan doesn’t say anything._

_“Are you sure?” His voice is small._

_“Yes.”_

* * *

“Did you purposefully run into Evan?” Connor asked Zoe the second she got home.

“No,” she didn’t look at all surprised by the question. “Jared forgot a bunch of paperwork at their apartment, so Evan ran it over for him.”

“So you thought you’d talk to him about me?” Connor did nothing to conceal his irritation. 

“Yes, Connor,” Zoe said in a mocking tone. “I have been waiting my whole life to casually run into your ex so I could tell him that you spend every waking second in this house and it’s driving me insane.”

“I already told you—”

“You’re not interested in him,” she finished. “Fine, be his friend. Because I’m pretty sure you don’t actually have any.”

“I have Alana and you,” he stated. 

“Connor, I’m your sister and Alana is friends with literally everyone,” Zoe had a point. 

“My social life isn’t your project,” he told her anyway. 

“Have fun on your ‘not date’,” she winked at him before walking out of the room.

* * *

_“Can I kiss you?” Evan’s hand’s are on Connor’s shoulders, his face is so close Connor can feel his breath as he talks._

_“You don’t have to ask,” Connor murmurs._

_“But what if you don’t want me to, then it’d be uncomfortable and you wouldn’t want to go out with me anymore, and don’t want to ruin—”_

_Connor cuts Evan off by pressing their lips together._

_“I think I just found the best way to stop you from hyperventilating,” Connor says cheekily when they break the kiss._

_“Shut up,” Evan can’t hide his blush._

* * *

“Morning,” Evan greeted Connor cheerfully. 

“Hey,” Connor smiled, closing the passenger door of the car.

“You look good,” Evan stated. 

“I haven’t slept in two days,” Connor blurted. 

“What?” Evan looked like he wasn’t sure if he should be amused or concerned.

“Forewarning,” Connor explained. “If I say anything weird it’s purely sleep deprivation.”

“Okay,” Evan laughed, and started to pull out of the driveway. “You wanna turn on the radio?”

“Sure.” 

Connor spent the next few minutes trying to find a decent station, before Evan told him that if he wanted he could just put a CD in. 

“Wow, you have a lot,” Connor commented when he opened Evan’s glove compartment. 

“Oh, yeah,” Evan said sheepishly. “I like to make playlists and burn them for if I have to drive a lot and don’t want to put up with adds.” 

Connor picked up one of the CDs, scanning the list of songs Evan’s neat handwriting had scrawled on the case. 

“You have good taste,” he told Evan, sliding the CD into Evan’s car radio.  

“Really?” Evan sounded proud.

“Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?” Connor teased. 

“Ha,” Evan rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t know this song,” Connor realized. 

“Yeah, they’re a smaller band, I like their stuff though,” Evan explained. Connor nodded, leaning back in his seat. “I could, um, if you want, I could burn you a copy.”

“If you’re offering, sure,” Connor grinned at him. 

“Great,” Evan didn’t meet his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Connor asked. “You seem kinda on edge.” 

“No, I’m fine,” Evan said quickly. 

When they reached the orchard Evan had to unlock the gate. Unlike the abandoned one the two of them had often sunk into during high school, this place gave off a strong sense of safety. Despite the organization, Connor still felt what he always did whenever he went with Evan anywhere that had an abundance of trees. 

It was like he was stepping into another world. One where the shit people said and did gave over to nature. This was Evan Hansen’s world.

“I haven’t been to a place like this since high school,” Connor admitted. 

“Seriously?” Evan looked surprised. 

“Pathetic, right?” Connor laughed. 

“Kinda,” Evan admitted. 

“You gonna give me the grand tour?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Evan nodded, grin forming on his face. 

“Lead the way.”

* * *

_“What do you mean you didn’t fall?” Connor doesn’t believe this is happening._

_“I’m sorry,” Evan has tears in his eyes. He’s holding Connor’s hand tightly, like he thinks Connor is about to run away from him. “Please don’t hate me.”_

_“Evan, you’re freaking me out.”_

_“I just, I couldn’t take it anymore,” Evan’s voice breaks. “And I kept thinking about how everyone else would be better off without me.”_

_“That’s not true,” Connor says softly._

_“Is it?” Evan scoffs but it sounds like a sob. “Because we were supposed to go on a date and now you have to deal with me crying.”_

_“Hey, hey, come here.” Connor wraps his arms around Evan. He kisses his forehead. He puts his hand over Evan’s heart. It’s still beating. He’s still with him. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” Evan whispers._

_“I don’t know what my life is without you,” Connor murmurs._

* * *

“So do you want to sit for a little?” Evan asked. 

They’d been walking for a while, Evan pointing out his favorite trees or spots where funny stories took place. Connor like the air here. Everything felt a bit lighter.

“Sure,” Connor let himself drop under a particularly tall tree. “We should climb one.” 

“If you want to,” Evan sat next to him.

“What’s with you today?” Connor asked softly. “You seem really distant, you know you didn’t have to do this, right?”

“I want to,” Evan stammered.  

“Is that why you won’t look me in the eye?” Connor asked dryly.

“Why did you say you were embarrassed I read your books?” Evan did look at him now. His eyes were full of something Connor didn’t understand.

“Books?” Connor could feel the heat rising to his face. “As in you read more than one?”

“Connor, I read all of them,” Evan sounded slightly exasperated. “They’re the closest thing I could get to still knowing you.”

“What are you asking?” Connor could hear how numb his voice was. 

“There’s nothing about you in it,” Evan stammered. “And you always let me read your writing before.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Connor didn’t mean to sound so demanding, but he can’t do this. Not anymore. “Zoe put you up to this. Her and Jared. They told you what to ask me so I would fucking have to—” 

“Connor?” Evan looked worried. No, he looked scared. 

“Never mind,” Connor shook his head. He stood up. “This was a mistake, I need to go.” 

He could walk home. Or he’d call Zoe, or a cab, or he’d fucking hitch hike. It didn’t matter, he just needed to be away from here. 

“Please,” Evan jumped to his feet. “Don’t.” 

“No, this was stupid,” Connor tried to breath. “We’re not kids anymore we shouldn’t be acting like we can just forget everything that happened.”

“I’m not trying to,” Evan’s voice was soft. 

“But I was,” Connor said. “I was acting like because I explained myself it made it all go away, but telling you that eight years late doesn’t make things better.” 

“You don’t need to make anything better,” Evan told him. 

“Good, because I can’t.” Connor turned. He was running again. Maybe that was all he’d ever be able to do.

“Connor, wait.” Suddenly Evan was in front of him—stopping him. “Please.” 

“I’m sorry,” Connor wouldn’t let himself break in front of Evan again. Evan deserved better, and maybe Connor did too. 

“Tell me what I did wrong!” Evan grabbed his arm in a desperate attempt to keep him there.

“Nothing,” Connor’s voice was quieter than he meant it to be. 

“Yeah, except you always say that and you always push me away so—”

“I never pushed you away,” Connor murmured.

“You didn’t talk to me,” Evan nearly shouted. “I didn’t know how much you were hurting. All I knew was one day you were saying that you loved me and couldn’t live without me, the next you were out of my life.” 

“I was trying to protect you,” Connor stammered. 

“You didn’t tell me that,” Evan was shaking. “Now eight years later you walk back into my life and say that you still loved me when you left.”

“I shouldn’t have—”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” Evan winced. “I want the truth, but I need to know all of it, not just what you feel like telling me. You can’t say it doesn’t matter.”

“It was eight years ago,” Connor started. 

“And I still love you!”

For a second the words just hung in the air. At first Connor didn’t hear them, then he was sure he heard them wrong. Then Evan’s face contorted into a look of horror, and Connor knew he’d heard exactly what Evan said.

“Evan—”

“Oh God,” Evan was pale. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Breath,” Connor murmured. He put his hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“I’m okay, it’s,” Evan shook his head. “You can go now.” 

“I’m not gonna leave you in the middle of an orchard when you look like you’re about to throw up,” Connor told him. 

“You don’t have to,” Evan stammered. He took a step back. “Connor, I just told you that I love you after not seeing you for eight years. Stop being nice, I know you want to run—”

“I love you too,” Connor blurted. He grabbed hold of Evan’s hand, pleading for some way to reach him.

“No, no, you moved on,” Evan shook his head. “You got better. You have a new life and have sex with strangers and write about beautiful guys.” 

“Every guy I’ve ever written has been you,” Connor stated. 

“What?”

“I thought you said you read my stuff,” Connor felt a smile creep onto his lips. 

“I did, but,” Evan’s eyes widened. “Oh my god.”

“I didn’t do it to be creepy, or reach out to you,” Connor quickly told him. “I just— I did move on from who I was, but not from you.” 

“We’re both very stupid,” Evan laughed now. 

“Yeah,” Connor agreed. 

“Can we try this again?” Evan asked softly. 

“Can I kiss you?” Connor took a step closer to him. 

“Yes,” Evan murmured. 

Connor gently pressed their lips together. It felt like the way it used to, but there was still something different. Whatever they were was both new and old, and Connor would trust Evan to help him figure it out. He wasn’t ready to let go, he never had been, and never would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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